Words we couldn't say

 Elly sighed as she stared in the mirror at a spot just below her collarbone.

<i>Powerless</i>.

This time, the Word that appeared on her skin was a harsh red color.

She sighed as she traced the letters, flowing across her pale skin in bold swipes of a Japanese brush, and wondered again just who he was. She bore several others in various places on her body and they were becoming bolder, harder to hide under clothing. These were the smaller ones, the hidden pain that he didn't know he had.

<i>Manipulator</i> - between her breasts.

<i>Loser</i> - another red one, located on her right leg.

<i>Survivor Guilt</i> - on her left upper arm.

<i>Repressed Emotions</i> - over her heart.

She was kind of uneasy about meeting the guy, truth be told. None of the words were good, so he had to be a mess inside. As a therapist, she had a few educated guesses about him. For one, he could be be in a dangerous line of work, such as a Pro Hero - "survivor's guilt" and "repressed emotions" hinted very strongly at that. Heroes often lost friends and colleagues, teachers and mentors. It could be devastating, and it could bring about the "worthless" feelings he felt as well.

As a child the marks began appearing and they were confusing, since she had been born in the United States and only knew English. She had a scant knowledge of Japanese until her teens, when she began to learn the language due to her burning curiosity over the meanings of those Words.

When given the opportunity to travel to U.A, she'd jumped at the chance. It was one step closer to <i>him</i>, after all. But Japan was big, and she had absolutely no idea where to look. And of course, even if she knew, it would be difficult to broach the subject. So she waited and worked diligently, getting to know her colleagues and the kids, sometimes patrolling the areas at night.

Aizawa Shota swore violently as he stumped into her office that afternoon. Since losing his leg and eye, he'd been given orders he needed both physical <i>and</i> mental therapy. The scruffy hero had absolutely no qualms showing his disgust at having to "waste his time" with talking about his feelings, and he quite frequently said only one or two words when seated across from her desk.

She sighed, her ears folding back into her short purple hair. "I know you hate this, Eraser," she said in a steady voice. "Would you believe I do, too? It gets us nowhere and it's not helping you." She shrugged. "I wish you would talk, but I won't ever force you to."

He snorted and crossed his arms tighter, his lower lip jutting out in a firm pout. She could see his jaw rippling with tension and his remaining eye was hard as agate staring back at her.

<i>Well, at least I know</i> he's <i>not my soulmate</i>.

Elly scratched absently at her neck, where a mosquito had bit her earlier. "Ouch," she grumbled, slipping her Cheshire Cat gear off her neck so she could rub it directly. In doing so, she revealed part of the new Word on her skin.

Aizawa's frown grew deeper. "Is that a Word?"

She jumped, startled. "Uh. Yes, actually." Pulling her suit down a few modest centimeters, she showed him the word <i>powerless</i>.

"Hnf. Sounds like a real loser." He waved a hand in her direction. "Who would think that of themselves?"

"A lot of people that aren't, surprisingly." She shrugged. "Broad generalizations can’t begin to describe anyone accurately. We're all complex human beings with talents and problems. But it's easy to fall into the idea that you might be lesser, especially when life throws too much shit at you at once." Elly very deliberately avoided looking at his eyepatch or leg.

He opened his mouth, only to realize he'd been engaging with her and slowly closed it before he could say anything else. She nodded, her eyes suddenly showing how very tired she was. This was a man with obvious, severe issues that wouldn't discuss them at all. He was uncomfortable around her to the point of becoming downright surly, unlike the stoic outer wall he put up with those he considered "friends".

<i>One more try for today</i>.

"You know, the commission will only stop these sessions if I give them the okay." He gave her a decidedly sour look that she shrugged off. "It's true. I could lie, sure, but I'm not like that and I also refuse to give up on you. You're an amazing Hero -"

He flinched ever so slightly, ducking into his capture weapon. "No."

"Yes." She stared into his startled gray eye so seriously he began to frown harder. "You have a great quirk, but that's not what makes you amazing. It's your skill. Though you do throw yourself recklessly into action sometimes, which is odd considering you yell at your students for doing the same thing."

He frowned harder and suddenly ripped one of his tattered sleeves back. "What does this say?"

She fell silent, stunned, as he revealed bold lettering in red, in <i>English</i>, on his arm.

"<i>Unlovable</i>."

"Ah."

"Aizawa," she murmured, her throat suddenly very dry, "can you - will you show me your other Words?"

He glared at her suspiciously. "Why?"

Elly pushed up her sleeve to reveal the one on her arm. "Mine are in Japanese, but my home language is English. Yours are in English, but you don't speak it, do you?"

He stared at her arm, his eye narrowing. "<i>Survivor guilt</i>... and <i>loser</i>."

"That man must be in so much pain," she said softly. "I know them all by heart. You, however, don't know English well, do you?"

Aizawa shook his head. "I can show you some, if you want to read them." He rolled up his other sleeve and turned to face her.

"<i>Unlovable</i>, in red, on the one. And <i>anxious-preoccupied</i>," her voice grew shaky as she read that and she couldn't go on.

"The hell does that mean?"

"It - it means the person didn't have a good parental figure, so they're anxious and they crave closeness, but feel insecure. Like they won't ever get love or that if they do, they worry constantly about their partner leaving them."

"So she thinks she's not worth it." He fixed the sleeves on his tracksuit and crossed his arms.

"Possibly."

"Sounds like a lot of work," he said harshly. "Good thing I don't care about love. Romantic relationships are too much effort that can be better utilized elsewhere."

"Oh. That actually... wow." Elly swallowed hard, confused at the pain his statements caused her. "I've always wanted love, but don't believe I can have it. That's harsh, Aizawa. Maybe too harsh, and I'm not sure you really believe it."

He just grunted. "This over yet?"

She sighed and was about to dismiss him when she looked up again. The color drained from her face and she mewed in shock. "Aizawa," she choked, pointing to his forehead. "Oh my god."

"Wh -?" All the air rushed out of him when he turned back and saw her pale face, her purple eyes huge and filled with tears. "Your forehead!"

"Yours, too!"

Elly scrambled in her desk drawer for her phone and flipped her camera to selfie mode. Holding it up revealed a name there - <i>AIZAWA SHOUTA</i> -- in bold, red characters.

She handed it to him and he looked into it. Sure enough, there was one on his as well. "Of course. Yours." He passed the phone back calmly, his expression enigmatic.

Elly nodded. "Yes."

"Shit."

"Yes."

"You're my..." He passed a hand shakily over his face and shook his head. "Can we - will it go away if we hide it --"

"No. People are going to easily guess if we try to hide it, too." She took a deep breath and placed her hands in front of her on the table. "The only way they diminish is when a bond has been established."

"Hah."

"Yeahhh... I know."

He rubbed at the back of his neck, looking nervously aside. "Do you have many more Words?"

"A few that I know of."

"Can I see them?" An unbelievable blush was forming across the bridge of his nose. "If - if that's all right with you."

She raised her eyebrows at this, though she understood his curiosity. "I'll show you if you want. We'll need a private room, though."

"I have an apartment nearby. In the meantime, however -" He reached up and handed her a strip of cloth torn from his capture weapon. "You probably should cover that. Using your quirk would be more suspicious." His reasoned his own hair was enough for now as he tugged some more of the dark locks to fall on his forehead.

They slipped out of campus easily due to her quirk, reappearing only at the exit to sign out. It wasn't long before they arrived at his place, and she was mildly surprised to find that his "apartment" was actually a suite at his Hero Agency. He had the lower rooms, one floor above the offices. The few people working cast curious glances her way as she walked to the elevator beside him, and she knew they couldn't hide their involvement for long. Aizawa ignored everyone, including her, until he opened the door to his rooms and gestured for her to enter.

"Sorry for putting you out like this."

He snorted dismissively, waving one hand at her again. "It's not much, but please try to relax." He kicked off his boots and tossed his capture weapon carelessly onto a peg near the door.

Bemused, she cast her eyes around the spartan rooms, noting how much they reflected on him. There was nothing in his living area that suggested anything other than the basics needed for existence. There was one low table and some pillows scattered around it in the room adjoining the kitchen. A neat stack of papers sat undisturbed on it, with two pens on top.

Elly slipped the scarf off her forehead. She took her gloves and boots off in the place reserved for them and hung her neck gear up. "Bedroom?"

He nodded and pointed, leading the way. This room was even more barren, containing only his sleeping bag and a small crate beside it. A duffel bag was thrown carelessly in a corner and from what she could tell it contained all his clothing.

She sighed and got right to business, slipping the top of her bodysuit to her waist without embarrassment. Nudity was notjing compared to baring your heart, which she was afraid came next. Aizawa's gasp was loud in the stillness of the room as another Word came into view.

"Manipulator?" His hand shook as he half reached out towards her, then quickly snatched it back. "That's  - that's worse than the other one. That's..." He swallowed hard, gulping.

"They probably go together," she said quietly. "You were hurt, and you didn't want to feel like that again. So you push people - and emotions --" Elly traced the symbols over her heart as she spoke, "away. It's not healthy, but you learned this for some reason and you never let go."

His face twisted horribly, and for a moment she was terrified. She whimpered and cringed away from him as he reached out and he shook his head. "Don't be afraid!"

She fought to still her breathing, her eyes wide and tail lashing madly behind her. "Instinctive reaction," she explained in a shaky voice. "I have complex PTSD from my early years. My - my family was not kind. Nor were... others."

"Ah." He paused, then peeled down the upper part of the tracksuit he was wearing as well. Curved over and under his left pectoral were two Words: "<i>Daddy</i>" and "<i>Issues</i>".

It was her turn to make a face. "Oh, I hate that term," she grumbled. "It's so sexist. In my case, it strikes right to the heart of the matter, though."

"What does it say?"

She told him, then chuckled bitterly when he made a face. "Yes... that's about the reaction I expected."

"Perhaps not for the reasons you did, though." He frowned. "Your father wasn't kind?"

"Let's just say he mentally abused me and leave it at that for now."

His frown grew sterner. He was thinking about Eri, and how, though they'd rescued her at such a young age, she still bore the scars of all her abuse.

<i>Imagine if she were never rescued.</i>

He sighed shakily. "Can I ..?" His hand hovered over her breast, remembering how she reacted earlier and very aware it was a sensitive area. "Is it okay if I touch you?"

"The Word or me?"

"Can it be both?"

"Let me tell you exactly how I feel, Aizawa," she said in a firm, clear voice. "I'm attracted to you. I want to have sex with you, because I crave that closeness I've been searching for all my life." She sighed bitterly. "The Words say we belong together. But I'm afraid you'll reject me. I want - I <i>need</i>, commitment before anything significant between us happens."

"Yes." He rubbed at his tired eye. "I see that."

"You hold people at arm's length that you've known for more than a <i>decade</i>. How will I fare, when you've only known me a couple years?"

"Wait..." Aizawa froze as he realized something she said, a blush spreading across his face. "You're attracted to <i>me</i>?"

"Yes."

"<i>Seriously</i>."

"Yes. Seriously." Elly huffed, annoyed.

He suddenly remembered that in her Words she viewed herself as ugly in more ways than one.

"I'm just as doubtful about my appearance as you are about yours," he told her honestly. "I don't put any real effort into it, and I don't see how you could think this," he gestured at himself, "is attractive."

"Are you kidding me?" Her ears perked forward and she reached out, lightly touching his chest and twining her fingers in the mat of dark hair. "You're <i>gorgeous</i>."

Aizawa choked and the blush, having now consumed his face, slowly started to creep down his neck. "I - Ches, I'm not -"

"You are to me." Elly hesitated, then placed her arms around him. "Look," she whispered. "Kiss me, and then we'll both know, right? Maybe? Yes?" She stared at him, eyes wide and chest heaving, and he moved so swiftly she gasped when she felt the press of warm, dry lips on her own. The kiss held quietly like that, unmoving; a simple touch that lasted a minute before he reached out and tentatively cupped the back of her neck in a rough palm. They broke apart and he sat quietly panting, looking deeply into her eyes.

"Oh god," she moaned thickly. "You're so handsome it hurts when you look at me like that."

His eye widened, and he pressed himself close to her, burying his face in the crook of her neck. Next his body shivered and the heavily muscled form went from taught and suspicious one moment to limp in her arms.

"I'm not," he husked painfully. "I know I'm not. I don't even try. But your eyes ...the way you <i>look</i> at me!"

"You can almost believe it, right?"

"Yes!"

"I know. Me, too. I can almost believe you might love me, even though you usually act like you don't want to be around me."

"Fuck." He clung suddenly to her, squeezing his arms around her waist. "I don't want to let go," he groaned thickly. "I don't <i>want</i> to push you away, damn it. I'm not the unemotional asshole everyone thinks, I need someone, I can't lose you, too," he started to sob brokenly, his hands clutching her so tight she would have bruises later. "But I can't get attached because you'll die, and I'm useless as a hero now. Useless!"

<i>Oh. I get it now.</i>

She buried her face in his hair, crying with him. "I'm so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say to you."

He lifted his tear-streaked face to stare at her with a hard squint. "You - you're not going to say you won't leave?"

She shook her head. "I can't promise that. I'm a psychiatrist, not a psychic. I can say you're not useless, but we can talk about that later."

"No... no, that's good." He swallowed back the rest of his tears, causing his voice to become hoarse. "That's honest. Everyone else makes false promises. You didn't."

"I can tell you the truth." Elly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Like I mentioned, I'm afraid you'll leave <i>me</i>. I'm a very difficult person to stay close to."

"And I'm not?"

"I'm insecure, so I crave constant affection - something you may not be able, or even want, to provide." She dropped her head as she spoke. "I've been told many times I'm not pretty. To be blunt, everyone that mattered to me said I'm an ugly, fat, crazy bitch."

"That's not right," he grunted, cradling her face in his rough palms so he could lift it up. She jerked, surprised, but he shook his head. "You aren't insane. And you're more than pretty. You're as <i>beautiful</i> to me as I am handsome to you."

"I know that you don't lie. Gloss over things sometimes, yeah, but when you say it so bluntly..." Her eyes misted over with tears. "I knew I respected you, and even thought you were hot -" He snorted at this as she continued, "but I never considered my feelings beyond that. I guess it seemed futile because I thought you didn't really like me."

"Hnf." Aizawa shook his head again, more firmly this time. "That last part isn't true. I've been in love with you for months," he admitted with a defeated sigh.

"For months?"

"Months." His expression turned sour. "I thought <i>you</i> could never be interested in <i>me</i>." He paused, then added, "especially now." His free hand stole up to briefly touch the eyepatch he wore; the other still rested lightly on her neck.

Elly reached out and brushed her fingertips on it. "Take it off," she said very quietly.

"What?!"

"Show me."

Since he couldn't come up with a logical reason why not - the area had healed by now -- he floundered momentarily. "I - but it's, you don't want to ..."

"Please?"

He frowned, a rush of hot dissapointment and anger flooding through him. In one rough gesture he ripped it off and threw it across the room. "There. One eye, one leg - I'm like one of those cats at the shelter no one wants. The ones that <i>die</i> there, alone, because they don't trust people and they're ugly and disfigured!" His outburst over, he lifted his chin, waiting for her to recoil away from him in disgust as he knew she would.

"You mean the ones you visit every Thursday?" Elly leaned over instead of moving away and kissed his scarred cheek. "Poor baby," she husked sadly. She stared at the hollow socket, the skin twitching when he blinked though there was only scar tissue. "They don't scratch <i>you</i>, do they? It just takes time and a lot of love." When he sat there, unbelieving, she stroked his upper calf above the prosthetic gently as well. "You're not less because of a loss of skin and muscle. But I find myself thinking of those cats now that you mentioned it... and that quote pet owners often use. '<i>Who rescued who</i>?' Could we, maybe, do that? Help each other like that?"

He stared at her, his single eye wide with shock.

She fidgeted nervously after a few minutes, getting more embarrassed as time passed. "I just called you, um. I'm sorry."

Aizawa choked loudly, then just as suddenly as he'd kissed her before, threw his arms around her and buried his face in her upper chest. He kept his face hidden and his voice was muffled but firm when he finally spoke. "I've never confessed to anyone and no one has - has given me a..." He trembled all over, groaning. "Only you can call me something so ridiculous."

"Only me," she whispered, breathing hard while she stroked his hair. "It's okay then? And you've loved me for months?"

"If you can overcome your fear and open your heart to me, can I do any less?" He leaned back and stared intently into her eyes. "We're both broken. Maybe you're right - maybe the <i>Words</i> are right -" He rubbed his forehead. "We need each other."

"Will you try? Do you want to make the effort?"

He pondered this long enough for her to become uneasy, but when he saw her looking down in defeat he spoke. "Sorry! I wasn't sure what to say other than yes."

"How about another kiss?"

"I can do that," he agreed quickly.

Many more kisses later with the last of their clothing (and his prosthetic) cast aimlessly aside, Elly discovered he was far more gentle and loving than expected. The sleeping bag was surprisingly comfortable and combined with his kisses and light touching she relaxed, falling almost completely limp, in his arms. One hand tested her warmth, fingers sliding around her folds to find where she liked to be stroked.

"Oh, Shota," she gasped, closing her eyes and arching her back in a mindless effort to beg for more pleasure. "Baby, yes. <i>Yes</i>."

He shivered at her reaction. For a split second he worried that she was putting him on, but when he paused to adjust himself she whimpered with need. Plus there was no way she was faking the mottled blush creeping down her throat, and her writhing was inspired.

"If that feels good, kitten," he panted, raising his head to stare deeply into her eyes, "remember, I'm not even inside you yet."

"That's not always better, you know," she said, somewhat hesitant to speak the truth about such a touchy manner.

"So I've heard." Aizawa actually smiled. "You already know I'm something of a perfectionist and feel the constant need to prove myself, though. I'm not going to be content until you're enjoying yourself as much as I am."

"Ohhh."

"Yes." He squinted appraisingly at her, taking his time to gaze at her body. He even slid back a ways so he could see as much as possible. The rare smile he was sporting slowly turned as rich and dark as his eye as he took her all in.

Elly started to squirm in embarrassment. "Are you going to..?"

"Not yet." He ran the ticklish touch of fingertips up her thighs and she shivered. "In a little while, yes, but not just yet."

"Well, fine then," she muttered. "Two can play that game, you know."

Breath rushed out of him in a huge gust as she caressed his shoulders, then lower, moving down until she was rubbing his rear. "Ches?"

"Uh huh."

"I don't know how t - to -" He stuttered and snorted suddenly, dropping his face to bury in her neck.

"Are you <i>ticklish</i>?!"

He paused in the middle of wheezing for air to give her a very stern look. "Don't you <i>dare</i> - Cheshire, <i>don't you even</i>..!" His dry laughter was contagious as he wriggled around trying to escape her touch.

"I never thought you'd be ticklish!"

Eventually she relented and he rolled off to catch his breath, glaring at her with his chest heaving. "Just wait 'til I catch my breath. You'll get yours."

"As long as I get this." She reached out and he raised a sardonic eyebrow, only to choke up when she touched his heart.

"Damn it, woman!" He used his one knee to force himself up, abdomen flexing powerfully as he flipped over her once more. "Come here if you want it. I'll give you <i>everything</i>!"

"That's what I want." She raised her legs and used her soft thighs to envelop his erection.

Aizawa exhaled harshly. "You want me just like this, then."

"Yes."

"No protection."

"I'm on hero mandated birth control, quirk regulated. As safe as we can get."

"Tell me yes or no," he chided, kissing her cheek while staring into her eyes.

"Yes. I want you to come inside of me." Elly caressed the back of his neck in one smooth palm. "You're the only man I'll let do this. The only one I need. Is that enough?"

"Yeah." He placed his forehead on hers like before, their names placed together, but this time his eye shut, tears grudgingly squeezing out to trickle down his cheek to hers. "Yeah, you're more than I thought I deserved."

"I know, baby. It's okay. <i>Oh</i>!" His initial thrust came as a surprise, and not because she wasn't prepared for it.

"Did I hurt y-"

"No, Shota, no hurt - please, don't stop." She struggled to express her amazement. "I - it felt good. It's never felt good right from th - the - <i>ohmigod</i>..." She slipped into English but he got the gist of what she was saying. That creepy grin crept back onto his features.

"Hold on, then," he told her quietly. "I love you."